I would not make a good single parent. I tip my hat to those single parents out there, because holy crap is it hard being alone 24/7. Now granted, unless I came into some serious money, I wouldn’t be home all day long as a single parent, because I would have to be out of the home working to pay for food, and clothes, and other such sundries. I just didn’t have my A game today. I didn’t know how to occupy the twins so that they wouldn’t climb the couches and run, or open up drawers and slam them shut. I missed my older kids, even though a part of me was glad they weren’t home. It took me all day to empty the dishwasher, because when the twins did finally nap it was all I could do to make myself a sandwich and watch some tv. I never turn the tv on during the day for myself. I have one more full day alone, with all four kids, and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to manage.
I never thought I would say that I don’t like being a stay at home parent. It was something I wished for so often when I was working and hated my job and just wanted to be with my baby girl. My mom stayed home until I was 12 and old enough to watch my brother for a bit after school and I really loved it. I just don’t know why I don’t feel that way about it all now. I am certain that a lot of my issues with being at home has to do with the age differences of the kids. Only the twins are in the same place, and of course that is a busy place for me and I don’t get to give the other kids any kind of time or attention. I see those words, I understand them, but there isn’t anything I can DO about it. I want to enjoy my chaotic life, but instead it makes me cringe and want to lash out. I want peace and quiet and when I get it, I don’t know what to do with it. There are days when leaving it all behind and never coming back never sounded so good.
It’s sad for me to realize that what I thought was my dream isn’t working out as well as I’d hoped. I know that’s why I butt heads with the kids so often. I’m not mad at them, but mad at myself that I don’t get to give them the best of me. I don’t know where that person went, or who she even is anymore. That is so unfair to my children. I just want to change things, yet I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not asking for the perfect life; I’m just asking for something better than this.