I used to be a bit of an overachiever. For example, I wrote a thesis my senior of year of college. It wasn’t required; I did it for fun and got a B. I entered a music performance competition during my junior year of college. I won. I was the first non-music major in the history of the award to win. I gave a recital in college. Again~I was not a music major. I did it for fun. I pushed myself to the limits in high school and college (law school, um not so much). I strived and achieved.
I’ve been looking for that me lately. I find myself bogged down with laundry, dirty cat litter boxes, fighting children, filthy floors. I miss the younger, happier me. Granted, I don’t miss ALL parts of being younger, but I think what I miss the most is how, even though I was pushing myself all the time, I felt lighter. Of course I wasn’t concerning myself with money, kids’ health, money (you get the picture) then. My focus was on me and what I wanted out of my life, instead of focusing on the needs of everyone else.
I think I’ve lost my sense of self. I suppose it was somewhat inevitable, having four children in the last eight years. Children need constant care, support, love. And there’s my marriage of almost eleven years. That also needs constant care, support and love. I’m finding that the care of me gets pushed aside to care for everyone and everything.
So I’m taking baby steps. I’ve been reading more. I scheduled a pedicure with some friends. I have my niece coming to help with the kids once a week so I can take a step back. I know that I’ll never be the old me again, nor would I want to. But I want to find pieces of the old me and bring them back and make them fit with the life the new me created. I want to feel lighter and happier. I don’t want to be lost anymore.