My days are filled with words from the moment I get up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I have my daily “just eat your breakfast and go get dressed” words for my three younger kids and my “do you have your clarinet/homework/gym clothes” for my oldest. I have my work words on Wednesdays, when I switch off my mom hat for a few hours and put my paralegal hat on, words like “probate and corporation”. I have my youth sports organization words, like “schedules and board meetings”. What I’m missing are “me” words.
Of course I don’t really know what “me” words are. I think I just feel like my words are used every day for so many other people, in good and bad ways, and they don’t directly apply to me. I keep my “me” words in my head, letting them swirl around among the words for others, and they tend to get lost. I’m hesitant to share my words, partly out of fear of rejection or criticism, and partly because putting them out there makes them real. It’s much easier to keep my words to myself, despite my desire to use them more.
There’s the issue of course~to use my words or keep them to myself. It’s a battle that rages in my mind all day long. When I’m busy with the kids or work or my other responsibilities, the battle rages less. When I’m alone in my car, or folding laundry however, the battle kicks into high gear and I have to force myself to concentrate on my task at hand. I have an old friend who told me that when her thoughts, her words, got to be too much for her, she’d picture an empty basket that she’d fill with the most troublesome words and thoughts before she went to bed at night. My husband says I over-think things. In a way I do over-think them because I’m so unwilling to share my thoughts, my words. The me words just stay inside.
I need to come here to this space more often, to put my me words out there. I’m sure I’ll still be hesitant to put them all out there, but some is better than none. Maybe in time more and more of them will find their way to this space.